A Typical GAA Junior B Line up
Goalie- must have “great goalmouth presence”… which is secret code for being fat enough to have his own gravitational pull. Always in the 40-50 age bracket, this is a gent that will almost convince you that he played minor for the county in the goal, even though the last time he got his knees dirty diving was at a ceili in 1965 when his version of the Hucklebuck went out of control, with numerous casualties..
Right corner back- the quiet man of the line up he seems to escape the jokes in the dressing room just because no one has ever seen him angry and are afraid of hidden depths.. Unmarried farmer with severe emotional baggage. Contact with a woman consists of the handshake at mass on a Sunday morning.
Full back – First started playing football sometime in the Pleistocene Epoch. Nicknamed sledge like yer man outta U2. Will get a nose bleed if he passes beyond his own 50 yard line. Utterly useless and yet is a great hit with the fans.
Left corner back – Has all the footballing skills of a piece of cheese and yet has been known to disappear up corner- forwards arses for days on end. An absolute cast-iron guarantee to be made mark the others teams young and absurdly fast superstar in the making.
Right half back – just out of minor, this boyo is sadly not going to get anywhere near the senior team.. And yet hasn’t missed a training session since early 1989. Selection is basically the managers way of proving that he doesn’t give a damn who you are, if you’re not down training were not going to give you a game.
Centre back – disgruntled former senior player, tried to remove senior manager at AGM and now had about as much chance of playing senior as he does of playing Hamlet in the Globe. Hasn’t been junior training all year and is still absolutely guaranteed his spot on the team.
Left half back – county u-16 star, great white hope for the entire club. About 5 foot 4 he is still told to get under the kick outs and take the game to the opposition… secret code for don’t pass it to anyone unless your life is in serious danger..
Mid fielder – the full backs older brother, who sports a rather strange looking bandage on his knee – probably hiding teeth marks or something. Eats five dinners a day and is a prime suspect for a coronary.
Mid fielder- chronic alcoholic who last scored a point in the late 70s and yet reckons he is justified in having a go for a point from anywhere inside the oppositions half. Well liked character because he always gets his round in at the post match piss up.
Right half forward – quietly spoken business man who hails from the village but is living in Dublin. Drives a flash motor. Lass who live in the pub in the town don’t know what to make of him..
Centre forward- third of the set of brothers that includes the full back and midfielder. Is the target of all the brothers clearances.. ALL of them..
Left half forward – utterly utterly useless 25 years old who by some fluke of nature happens to be a deadly accurate free taker. Tries to avoid open play altogether as he is far too important to the team to get injured.. Is basically the teams only source of points..
Right corner forward – happily married man who hasn’t played football since he was 12 but has suddenly decided to take up the game again. Natural talent ( like his genitalia ) completely and utterly over shadowed by his beer belly. Guaranteed to bag a goal or two and gain for himself some ridiculous nickname like “schillaci” or something.
Full forward – hasn’t scored since the end of the war but is captain of the team and all out nut case. The line commonly quoted to excuse his complete inability to find the target is “he’s a good man to bust up the play”. Will no doubt be marked by a similar figure playing for the opposition. Only at junior B will the full forward and full back play the game the exact same way, and could even switch positions with no effect on how the team plays whatsoever…
Left corner forward – the village thug, who invariably sports an ear ring and a seriously dodgy hair cut. Will be involved with the referee within five minutes of the throw in.. Plays the foreign game with the town five miles down the road and is hence viewed with suspicion by all and sundry..